Theo, Robot

My brother is a huge sports fan and since the Red Sox were such a huge deal in this house I got sucked in too. I'm not gonna lie I got a little emotional back in 2004 even though i was only 12 years old. My favorite blanket to sleep on is my fleece Red Sox blanket. I'm just starting to understand all the statistics that are involved in the game. To be honest with you I really just liked watching the players run around on the screen until recently.


My brother is always trying to explain these new statistics to me such as win shares, defensive sabermetrics and VORP (which apparently means "Value Over Replacement Player." Don't get me started.) Usually I'll just entertain him and sit there and purr while he talks. That tends to shut him up. With that being said I don't buy this new way of looking at baseball. I mean... wasn't this team supposed to be all about run prevention? I'd say it's more like WIN prevention. Sure, on paper we have a pretty nasty team and Beltre is an emeffin ninja out there. Our top 3 starters could be ace's on 90% of the pitching staffs in the MLB, but have they pitched like that yet? That's a big fat no. I mean... I have arthritis and I could hit bombs off of Lester.


What's with this whole idea about building a nasty defensive team? Where's the defense? I see balls hit into the gaps all night long. I'll tell you why too... Our pitchers are serving up meatballs. You know what else? This team is boring. The only thing that keeps me going is laughing at David Ortiz as he attempts to play professional baseball when he belongs in an old age home across the room from me. I mean... if the dude was a cat they'd surely put him down by now. He's fatter than my nephew too! That's fat!

Have you heard Theo Epstein speak in public? Of course you have. The guy is a social robot. It's like he has pre-programmed responses to every question. 

Theo, why does JD Drew suck? 

Theo: "JD Drew is one of the top 5 all around outfielders in baseball. He has an .892 OPS and is a smart baserunner." 

Right... but Theo.... why does he suck? 

Theo: "JD Drew is one of the top 5 all around outfielders in baseball. He has an .892 OPS and is a smart baserunner." 

uhh right.. he's always striking out? What's up with that?

Theo: "JD Drew is a lot of like Ted Williams in that he believes a walk is as good as a hit. JD Drew gives us solid at bats and wears down pitchers. JD Drew is one of the top 5 all around outfielders in baseball. He has an .892 OPS and is a smart baserunner."

Damnit you said that!! do you have anything else to add on JD Drew?

Theo: "Error 607 Does not compute. Does not compute. System reboot"

What a douchebag. I don't think JD Drew grinds out at bats. I think he falls asleep in the box. The ump probably wakes him up when he rings him up. 

Ump: "YEEEERRRRRRR OUT!!"

Drew: "huh...whaa...i fell asleep for a second. what happened? Did i walk?"

Catcher: "dude... you K'd again" 

Drew: "oh"

I'm sure you've heard the moronic Sox fans praising Theo for "winning us a championship" and calling the second coming. Well I think all this Theo is God talk went to his head, because he built this team in his image! I mean.. this team is a band of robots. No one is exciting on this team. I guess you can make an argument for Pedroia, but is there any bonafied superstar? Not here. There needs to be a huge shake up come trade deadline. I'm talking trading Buchholz, Theo Epstein and a handful of prospects for Adrian Gonzalez and Jed Hoyer. Yeah I went there.